Black Sharpie

Sick Day

2011-03-01T14:20:00.001-08:00

2011-03-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

Release the Kraken!

2010-02-11T13:49:00.001-08:00

RrrrraaaAAAAAHHHH!!!!

2010-02-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

Ph-tooey!

2010-02-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

The Sea Was Angry That Day

2010-02-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

Shutters in the Rain

2010-02-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

Bluetooth is stupid

2009-04-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

Bohemia is Pretty Good Beer

2009-04-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

My Digestive System

2009-04-15T08:40:00.001-07:00

Slender James

2009-02-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

If you like mechanically separated meat, and who doesn't, then this is for you.

Liquor

2009-02-05T13:24:00.001-08:00

Does anyone know where this is?

Mexican Tacos

2009-02-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

Most people probably know this, but the best tacos by far are Mexican Tacos.

Little Banana

2009-02-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite scene from Bottle Rocket.

Thtop it!

2009-02-03T12:35:00.001-08:00

Insert the metal buckle and pull on the loose end of the strap

2009-02-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Hold on. I have to take this.

2009-02-03T12:31:00.000-08:00

flat tire

2009-02-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Dong Knotts

2008-11-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

This was actually a commission, so I can't take much credit for the idea of a tensed up Barney Fife with penis fingers.

Accidentally meaningful

2008-10-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hill William

2008-07-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

There is no such thing as a bad taco.

2008-07-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

Cock Cousteau

2008-07-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

This is clearly in poor taste, but it is in French, so that makes it sort of OK.

Excuse me, bartender?

2007-10-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

I am sorry.

2007-10-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

tacos y leche

2006-09-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

Homey Is Just Cooling It.

2006-08-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Bacon Alarm Clock

2006-08-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

For Alex. Patent Pending.

Discarded Panties

2006-08-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

There's something about a pair of discarded panties that really gets me thinking. Who did they belong to? And under what circumstances were they abandoned? Was it her birthday and things just got a little crazy? Did she have to leave somewhere in a hurry and couldn't take the extra five seconds it takes to put on the panties? Maybe they were the wrong kind of panties and the lines were showing through her pants or something. Or maybe she just made a mess of them. Or maybe it was hot out and her junk just needed to breathe. I don't know. But it does get you thinking. Much more than an old t-shirt or a tie would make you think. Those things get thrown out all the time. Even tighty whities are anonymous and impersonal. They all look the same. But there are millions of variations of panties. You could depants 100 women and not see the same pair twice. There is simply no other garment that's as up close and personal as a pair of panties.

World's Best (and most private) Bathroom

2006-08-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

Pardon me, but have you any change that you might not be using?

2006-07-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

It is not cool to do this while getting your picture taken at a frat party.

2006-07-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

Do I look like I give a shit?

2006-06-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

2006-06-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

Here it comes.

2006-06-20T19:34:00.002-07:00

Wait for it...

2006-06-20T19:34:00.001-07:00

Wait for it...

2006-06-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

Wait for it...

2006-06-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Wait for it...

2006-06-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

2006-06-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

Gotcha! In yo face, bitchiz!

2006-06-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Say Cheese?

2006-05-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Booger De-Emphasized by Fancy Watch.

2006-05-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Hello, friend. I am having a good time.

2006-05-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

Mary Jane Likes to Party.

2006-04-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

Mustache Rides 5¢, wait, skip that, FREE!

2006-04-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Restaurant Fails Health Inspection

2006-04-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Check Your Head

2006-04-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

do re pee

2006-04-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

You Can Get Anything On Craigslist.

2006-04-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

K.O.B.

2006-04-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

Babe's Nutsack Also Big, Blue.

2006-03-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

Cirque du Poopeil

2006-03-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

There's no excuse for missing the shot, but this dog was actually trying to take a shit. There was a brown turd poking out of its butthole, but it kept going back in. The reason I didn't get a clean shot was because an old french lady came at me screaming and swatting at me with an umbrella. She was a defender of dignity. And I can respect that.

This Hotel Room Features A Curtain Booger Designed By Philippe Starck.

2006-03-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

By uniting a love of boogers, the outdoors, and casual living with a profound sense of glamour and fantasy, Mondrian captures the quintessential California lifestyle. Mondrian's lobby is an inspired and surreal stage set with diaphanous curtains, glowing glass walls, boogers, and a stunning Indoor/Outdoor Lobby that seems to magically transport the indoors out and the outdoors in.

With its Philippe Starck design, acclaimed Asia de Cuba restaurant, the red-hot Skybar, and its fabled giant curtain boogers, Mondrian is a sophisticated, modern urban resort that totally reinvents the hotel experience.

I Was The First One To Wear A Visor Backwards.

2006-03-08T18:20:00.000-08:00

Awesome Party Held In Basement

2006-03-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

Bro, you missed it. We had the BEST FUCKING PARTY in the basement Friday night. It was so awesome. We got so hammered, dude. I drank like probably fifty beers at least. AT LEAST. Probably more I bet. Stoochie drank a Forty out of a litter box and then pissed down the floor drain. Stoochie RULES!! Such a good guy. SUCH a good guy. And I puked all over those ugly chicks from across the street, and then I totally hooked up with one of them after she passed out. It was EPIC, bro. You shoulda been there.

Beer Bonged.

2006-03-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

Bro, check it out. I am totally going to bong the shit out of this beer. Holy fuck. This is going to be sweet, dude. Could you hold my car keys for a sec? Gracias.

Fuck If I Know.

2006-03-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

A bird wearing a Members Only jacket. Only 993 words to go.

Dead Rat Reincarnated as Something Worse

2006-03-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

Because that's the way karma works, you fucking rat.

A Single Tear

2006-02-28T19:48:00.000-08:00

Open up on a man staring out the window of his hotel room. A single tear rolls down his cheek and falls to the shallow grey carpet. He drags a toe across it. For a fleeting moment, it feels warm.
Fade to black.
Outside in the hallway, Hector hears the muffled cries.
He thinks of knocking on the door to ask if everything is ok. But he knows that his tips are directly proportionate to the temperature of the chicken wings he is carrying. So he lets it go. With only the slightest regret.

Rudi and Herman Settle It Like Men

2006-02-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

Book Club Suggestion Met With Complete Silence

2006-02-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

Dad Talking All ILL To His Kids.

2006-02-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

Dude is saying some seriously ILL shit. Straight up. Talking about hairy nuts and bitches and shit. To his little ass kids. Damn. They be all laughing and shit, too. Like it's something funny on tv. Like it's some fucking cartoons or some shit. Ain't right.

This is not a licorice pipe

2006-02-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

I Am Fixing To Get Me Some Pussy Tonight

2006-02-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

Man, I'll tell you wuh-hut. I am FIXING to get me some pussy tonight. So none of you sons-of-bitches better get in my way, cuz I am on a MISSION tonight. And I don't even CARE what she looks like. So long as she gots legs and a you know wuh-hut. She'll do. Or her mom. I don't give a shit. I just wanna get a little on me.

Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?

2006-02-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

Do you see it? Right there. Keep looking. Fucking crazy, right? I had no idea it would be that big. I mean, yeah, it seems obvious that it would be huge, but until you actually see one with your own eyes, you have no idea just how big. It's like a leg. Actually, it's probably a lot bigger than a leg. Someone should go stand next to it so you get an idea of scale. I wonder what happens when he blows it. How much do you think comes out? A lot, I bet. Could probably fill a bathtub in one shot. Man, that's crazy. Do you think they can drink with it, or is it just for smelling and grabbing stuff? Wait, we are talking about the same thing, aren't we?

What do you think, green or blue?

2006-02-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

Hey, dude, I can I get your opinion for a sec? I can't figure out which tie to wear. Which one would you go with, the green one or the blue one? I'll probably wear my tan pants, but I might go with the black ones. If I go with the black ones, what do you think... blue?? Of course, it kinda depends on if I go with the yellow shirt or the blue one with all the stripes and shit. Fuck, why is this so hard? Hey, does anyone have any Gold Bond? My weiner's kind of itchy. It's freaking hot in here. I'm getting all balmy and shit. Is it rude to wear a hat to a wedding? Well then fuck 'em. I always wear this hat. It's who I am. If they don't like this hat then they don't like me. Plus, my hair's gonna look all retarded. It gets kind of bananas when it's all hot and muggy out. Fuck, it's like Vietnam in here. Speaking of which, you never got back to me on that dick powder. Doesn't anyone have any God Damned dick powder? Fuck, who are you people? Help a brother out. Fuck it, I'm wearing the green one. Later, bitches.

Crackheads Have Great Passion

2006-02-13T10:27:00.000-08:00

Twice in the last month I've woken up to discover that my motorcycle's spark plugs had been stolen. No, not stolen, harvested for their precious ceramic tips. They were broken in half; the metal ends left to rust in the cylinders.
The first time it happened, it was just one of them. I figured that someone had backed into my bike and broken it. I replaced it. The second time, though, they got both of them. Not only is the conicidence too great that a second spark plug would be broken in the exact same way, but for lightning to strike two more times in the same place in the same night? No way. So I did a little research and found out that crackheads be using the ceramic ends of spark plugs to smoke they crack out of and shit. Great.
And there's not a lot you can do about it. I thought about coating them with pulverized glass. That way, they'd cut the shit out of their fingers when they try to steal them. But then I'd have crackhead blood all over my bike. (I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that that's probably not a good thing.) And I fear that my motorcycle would then pay dearly for my subterfuge. Another thought was to stencil a warning about the spark plugs being coated with arsenic or strychnine or something. But they're crackheads, and that might actually sound tempting. One guy I read about thought about taping crack pipes to his motorcycle as a peace offering. But I have to think that crack pipes probably cost more than spark plugs. And even if they they don't, do you really want your motorcycle to be known in the crackhead community as a place where you can score free crack pipes?
So, like herpes, I feel like this is just one of those things that I'll have to deal with from time to time for the rest of my life. Vigilance means nothing in the face of such a vast and hungry enemy. For crackheads have great passion.

Motherfuckin' P-I-M-P

2006-02-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

I think the best part about this photo is the Corbis watermark. A dead pimp in a pink suit and a cadillac coffin is amazing enough. But that it ended up as stock photography is even more amazing. It's like some guy in an ad agency somewhere is doing a Cap'n Crunch ad, and he's like, "I have this idea, but what I need is a great visual of a dead pimp at his funeral in a Cadillac coffin. And it would be great if he was wearing a CrunchBerry-colored suit." And there it is.

FOUND: One-Eyed Dog

2006-02-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

FOUND: One-eyed dog with broken teeth and brownish-purple spots around eye and anus. Seems to be a poodle of some sort. Urinates when looked at, and bites when fed. Appears to answer to any name, as well as the sounds of traffic and car horns. Likes chili.

PURPLE PEOPLE

2006-02-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

What is it about aging that makes people start wearing monochromatic outfits? I mean, when was the last time you saw someone under the age of 50 wear the same color from head to toe?

And in particular, PURPLE. FUCKING PURPLE.
There's something about purple that makes people crazy. They don't just wake up and think, "Hmm, I might wear these purple socks today." It's "I'm going to wear these purple socks today. They will look perfect with these purple pants. And this purple shirt. And this purple blazer with shoulder pads. And this purple hat. Ooh! And purple EYE SHADOW! Purple purple purple! I LOVE PURPLE!" Maybe it's time to try some other colors, purple people. Mix it up. Jesus.